Single in the City by Unknown

Author:Unknown
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Penguin Publishing
Published: 2010-02-03T23:00:00+00:00

14

Obviously I’ve called the London Council together for the local view on this development. I’m sure Siobhan would contribute more if she hadn’t just fallen off her chair laughing.

‘Oh, Hannah, I’m sorry.’ Chloe has to stop to take another breath. ‘It didn’t occur to me to warn you!’

‘I just didn’t expect the uncut version.’

‘That’s just the way they all are,’ Siobhan declares, able to draw this rather sweeping conclusion from her body of research on the subject.

‘But it was so ugly!’ I shudder.

‘Aren’t you over-reacting, just a bit? I have to say it’s not usually that obvious once it’s, em, aroused. What, exactly, did it look like?’

…‘Imagine a really fat guy, a really fat guy, in a too-tight wetsuit. There was actually a crease in it, like circulation was being cut off.’

‘Oh, that’s not normal.’

‘Not at all.’ Siobhan is shaking her head with a look not dissimilar to my original reaction to the event. ‘I didn’t realize Americans were all…trimmed. Isn’t that weird, Chloe?’

‘I think so.’

You know what they say about assumptions. If I can’t take something as basic as anatomy for granted, imagine what other surprises my foray into the UK dating scene has in store for me. ‘But the BO, I mean, what’s that all about?’ Granted, we Americans are obsessive about body odour. But I feel that a country whose citizens have the right to vote should adhere to some basic level of personal hygiene.

‘Oh that,’ says Chloe. ‘It comes from school. You know, they’re only allowed a couple of baths a week, unless they play sport.’

‘Yeah, it’s always worth asking if a bloke was sporty in school.’

My view of Hogwarts is now for ever altered. No wonder Harry plays Quidditch. ‘By the way, Chloe–what was that advice about “definitely don’t look…” Your phone cut out, so I didn’t hear it.’

‘Er, I don’t remember…Oh wait, yes I do. I just said definitely don’t look like you’re trying too hard to dress up. We never do in the country. I assume it’s the same in Ireland?’

‘Sure, but we spend all day digging up the potatoes in the fields, remember, so we don’t have much reason to dress up. Or wear shoes.’

‘That Celtic wit continues to astound.’

When Chloe and Siobhan first met, I was a little alarmed at the seemingly antagonistic repartee they developed within minutes. It wasn’t till Siobhan explained a little of the history between the English and the Irish that I understood, though it didn’t set my mind at ease. What I didn’t realize (until Chloe told me) is that Siobhan, despite her field-hand declarations, actually comes from Irish gentry. So they can afford to tease each other like this without risking an international incident. ‘Chloe, do your dates ever smell?’ I have a hard time imagining this stylish woman in bed with a stinker.

‘God, no! I date middle-class boys. Most of those are trained to wash. Or sporty ones. I’m afraid this is a feature of some upper-class toffs. They don’t give a toss what anyone thinks of them.

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